Thursday, December 16, 2010

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

This morning I watched Oprah talk about abusive relationship and I can't stop thinking about it the whole day. I tried searching for more info about this issue and this is what I have to share. Abuse in a relationship can happen to ANYONE!
source :
1) If your partner is telling you where you can go,who you can hang out with, who you can talk to, getting mad at you if you're talking to somebody else, or preventing you from talking to somebody else, those are serious warning signs. But then it takes an extra step where there is threatening. If u really loved me, you would do x,y and z, you would have talked to me instead of your friends, you would immediately answered my text when I texted you. And that sense of making that person feel guilty for not responding 'appropriately' at the 'appropriately' time is a serious sign".
"When you're feeling something is not right, please find somebody to talk to"- this is more difficult to be done when every time you try to talk to someone, even your family members, you are accused of 'talking bad things about him behind his back'. And there is constant spot check on whatever your conversation you have, even with your own mother. So you feel guilty for talking about something you're not happy about but at the same time you can't express it. That is emotional abuse.
2) It is not something that happens overnight. It can happen slowly overtime. It is a process. A slow chipping away over time, taking out your self esteem and confidence. It can happen to anyone, no matter how confident you are, trust me, it can happen. Slowly over time you will start to question yourself, you start to believe whatever he says about you.
"She still heals from the verbal abuse. I took almost every secret that she gave me to in an argument and threw it back at her as an insult," this is a confession from the abuser himself. They use your secrets to get back at you, making you feel worthless and strips off whatever confidence and self esteem you have inside. Its seductive and alluring so you're in it and think its your fault. When he does something that hurt you,instead of saying "no i'm not going back", all you want to hear is an apology and as soon as he says i'm sorry, you're right back with him the next day. And then the cycle begins. No relationship is perfect, but real love does not hurt. Real love feels good, it feels so great. That is how its supposed to feel like. Not constantly crying. And to get out of this, you must have a plan. When your plan works, he can come up to you and accuse you of planning this thing to get back at him, when all you really wanted to do was get out of the abusive environment, he says "are you happy now that you have won!" you definitely know what was in his head all this while. To him, it was like a game. Not a complementing and win-win relationship, but a game. Love is never a game. In an abusive relationship, you have to believe in yourself! Because if you don't believe in yourself, nothing anyone who is going to say or do can help you.
3) When you talk about loving her, and being in love with her, and wanting to get better for her, love is a behavior, not just a feeling. When you hit her, when you're demeaning to her, when you're unreasonably jealous because it is your issue and not her's, would you call that loving behavior? Women, when he tells you that he loves you, and it feels good to hear that he loves you and you want to believe that, is that the type of love that you think that you deserve? If you do love her, and you honor her as a woman, you need to let her go and be the woman that she's supposed to be. Abusive relationship changes their soul, their spirit, self esteem, it changes who they are. If you're in a relationship, and you're crying a lot, you're begging, pleading, apologizing for things you haven't even done, just to avoid the abuse. If you're crying, that's an abusive relationship, if you're scared of your partner that (not even scared that you are going to be hit), but scared of his temper, scared to make him angry, scared to ramp him up you start telling little white lies because you don't want to upset him, that's an abusive relationship. Imagine what this does to you're self esteem? You own your body and you own your mind. And those are the only two things that you own for the rest of your life. Please stop giving up to him!
4) He's very jealous, and jealousy really isn't love. That protectiveness though is really controlling. He's trying to isolate you from your friends, so all you've really got is him. I think you have a tremendous amount of power and I think you have just given it up to him. An angry guy, somebody who is angrier than most at little things, somebody who's jealous, somebody who's possessive, somebody who's controlling, somebody who blames their partner for everything. Somebody who doesn't take responsibility for their behavior, these are all signs. When a women is hit, they feel they deserve it. That is not right! Smacking somebody and calling them names is not a loving behavior. Love is a behavior!Love is how you treat me everyday, not just some other time.
5) The blaming not taking any responsibility for their part in what's going on and the quick apology after wards just seduce the woman back in. The scary thing is, some of these abuse start off and look very romantic. Does the abuser know that he is an abuser? It varies from case to case. But they see themselves as victims, and struggling. So when you call abuser, they're probably thinking "I'm not an abuser, in certain situations that happen". So no, they see themselves as victims of a woman who is not behaving, not treating them well, not helping them to feel confident.There are different types of abuse, physical, emotional, verbal and more. Verbal abuse really is designed to cut somebody's self esteem down so that they feel that they can't do any better. For example, 'in this relationship, this is the best they're going to get. The man will make his partner feel badly about herself as he really feels about himself. Some man like to break a woman down so that he feels more in control. Basically, who we put in our lives is who we begin to see ourselves. Human beings don't operate where you put tons of abusive people in your life and feel good about yourself. They want people who can feel bad because then they'll stay connected to them and really, they feel worthless when they get connected to somebody they don't get to feel bad.
Some people can really use words and say things to you that make you feel like whatever achievements and good things you have done in your life feels like nothing. They can really make you feel like a complete worthless loser no matter whatever level of education you are holding while they themselves have nothing. In this situation, it all depends on you on how you look at yourself and believe in yourself, and see you worth.
source: <---this is very informative to see it from the point of view of abusers.

Friends, these are all signs if you are in an abusive relationship. In facing a twisted manipulator who controls every inch of your life, only you can help yourself. You are worth a lot more than to be treated like dirt. Get help.

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